Is your ex a narcissist? I think all co-parents are presumed to be narcissist until proven otherwise.
If you’ve ever vented to a friend (or a therapist, or the entire internet) that your ex is “a total narcissist,” you’re not alone. It’s the go-to explanation when someone is arrogant, dismissive, refuses accountability, and seems incapable of putting the kids’ needs above their own ego.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth most blogs won’t tell you: the vast majority of difficult co-parents are not clinical narcissists. They’re regular humans whose egos got shredded in a breakup and who are now stuck in defense mode. The difference matters—a lot—because one group rarely changes, while the other absolutely can. And your children deserve you betting on the version that still has hope.
Is Your Ex a Narcissist: First, the Facts
True Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare (less than 1–6% of the population, depending on the study). The narcissist shows up the same way with their boss, their new partner, their own parents, and the barista who gets their order wrong. If your ex is charming and empathetic with everyone except you, that’s not NPD. That’s breakup fallout, which can persist for years or even longer. It’s situational self-centeredness, not a fixed personality disorder.
Calling them a narcissist anyway feels validating in the moment, but it quietly does three destructive things:
- It biases every future interaction (“Of course they did that—they’re a narcissist”).
- It hands them a free pass (“I can’t help it, I’m a narcissist”).
- It hands you a free pass to stop trying (“You can’t negotiate with a narcissist”).
None of those help your child.
Is Your Ex a Narcissist: The Good News You Didn’t Expect
When the “narcissistic” behavior is situational (triggered by the divorce, rejection, or loss of control), it is highly responsive to the environment you create. In other words, you have more influence than you think.
The three most common defenses you’re probably seeing—arrogance, lack of empathy, and entitlement—aren’t permanent. They’re protective armor. And armor can be lowered when the perceived threat goes down.
Here’s how to do it without sacrificing your boundaries or dignity.
1. Neutralize Arrogance (Yes, Really)
Arrogant outbursts usually come from deep insecurity (“If I don’t prove I’m the better/right/smarter parent, I’m nothing”). Fighting the arrogance head-on feeds it.
Instead, give the insecurity a soft place to land:
- “I appreciate the effort you put into her soccer schedule.”
- “You’re right that the teacher did say she’s strong in math. Good catch.”
You’re not agreeing with every ridiculous claim. You’re acknowledging something true (or at least neutral), so their ego doesn’t have to scream to be seen. It’s counterintuitive, but it works. Defensiveness drops when the need to defend drops.
2. Rebuild Empathy (Start with Yours)
Lack of empathy after a breakup is often punishment in disguise (“You hurt me, so I’m allowed to hurt you back”). The fastest way to interrupt that cycle is to show empathy first—even when they “don’t deserve it.”
Short, sincere lines like these can crack the armor:
- “I know this transition is hard on you too.”
- “I’m sorry the custody schedule feels unfair. I get why that’s frustrating.”
- “I’m sure it stung when I said that in front of the kids. That wasn’t okay.”
You’re not groveling. You’re the adult who refuses to keep the revenge cycle spinning. Most humans—even wounded ones—feel a pull to reciprocate vulnerability when it’s offered safely.
3. Dismantle Entitlement with Curious Questions
Entitlement thrives on declarations (“I shouldn’t have to…” “You owe me…”). The moment you argue the declaration, you lose. Instead, shift into curious collaborator mode:
- “Help me understand—what would feel fair to you?”
- “How do you think we should handle that next time?”
- “What would make co-parenting easier on your end?”
Questions force the entitled brain to switch from broadcasting to problem-solving. Keep asking until the excuses run out of oxygen.
A Real-Life Example That Actually Happened
Co-parent email: “You’re an idiot if you think I’m driving an extra 40 minutes because YOU over-scheduled her.”
Old response: Defend, blame, escalate.
New response: “I hear you—that extra drive sucks. I’m sorry I didn’t catch the conflict sooner. How can we avoid this next month?”
Result: He grumbled, but he showed up on time for the next six exchanges. Armor lowered. Kid unstressed.
Is Your Ex a Narcissist: When It Really Is NPD
If the arrogance, lack of empathy, and entitlement are consistent across every relationship in your co-parent’s life—and especially if they’re actively trying to damage your relationship with the children—then it’s more likely you’re likely dealing with a true narcissist. In that case, shift to low-contact, parallel parenting, iron-clad boundaries, and thorough documentation.
But that’s the exception, not the rule. Don’t sentence your kids to the “high conflict forever” track because a TikTok therapist convinced you your ex is incurable.
Is Your Ex a Narcissist: The Bottom Line
Your co-parent may act like a narcissist right now. That doesn’t mean they are one forever.
Stop diagnosing. Start neutralizing.
Every time you choose a response that lowers the threat instead of raising it, you increase the odds of cooperation—and you model emotional regulation for the little humans watching both of you. They deserve parents who keep trying, long after the relationship is over.
You’ve got this.
For more co-parenting tips, listen to a podcast, check out more of my blog, or pick up my book on Amazon.