Have you ever felt like your co-parent is constantly manipulating situations, twisting conversations, creating drama, or trying to turn your child against you?

If so, you’re not alone.

One of the most common reasons parents reach out to me is because they feel emotionally exhausted. They’re tired of defending themselves, tired of the conflict, and tired of wondering how to make the other parent stop. The problem is that when a co-parent is controlling your emotions, they’re often controlling your reactions as well.

That’s why one of the most important steps in improving your co-parenting relationship has nothing to do with changing your co-parent. It starts with changing your co-parenting mindset.

When conflict has been going on for months or years, it’s easy to accumulate anger, resentment, disappointment, and frustration. Those feelings are understandable, but they often interfere with clear thinking, effective communication, and good decision-making.

Think of your mind like a frozen computer. When a computer freezes, clicking the mouse repeatedly doesn’t solve the problem. You reboot it.

Sometimes your co-parenting mindset needs the same thing. A mindset reboot helps you step out of reactive mode and return to intentional decision-making.

This simple exercise uses four sticky notes to create visual reminders that help you reset your thinking before communicating with your co-parent.

On the first sticky note, draw an anchor. Then think back to a positive moment you shared with your co-parent.

NOTE: Before you roll your eyes and close this article, stay with me. 🙂

This isn’t about getting back together. It’s not about pretending everything was wonderful. It’s not about excusing bad behavior.

The purpose is simply to remind yourself that this person is more than the conflict you’re experiencing today.

Maybe the memory is:

• Your first date
• The day your child was born
• A special vacation spot
• A moment that made you both laugh

Under the anchor, write a word or two describing how you felt during that moment:

• Happy
• Hopeful
• Excited
• Loved

Then write a few words that help you remember the specific event. This becomes your emotional reset button when conflict begins to flare. 

Take a second sticky note and write:

My Destination

Most parents spend their energy focused on what they don’t want:

• I don’t want conflict
• I don’t want drama
• I don’t want accusations
• I don’t want stress

The problem is that focusing only on what you don’t want keeps your attention stuck there. Instead, ask yourself…

How do I want to feel?

• Peaceful
• Respected
• Calm
• Relieved
• Hopeful
• Happy!

This note becomes your destination. Afterall, it’s difficult to get somewhere if you don’t know where you’re going.

On the third sticky note, write:

Before

Include both your name and your co-parent’s name.

Next, write the three strongest negative emotions you’re carrying toward your co-parent.

Examples might include:

• Anger
• Resentment
• Frustration
• Disappointment

Below that, write the title that described your relationship when you were together…

• Mr. and Mrs.
• Life partners
• Boyfriend and girlfriend

Now draw a big circle with a line through it around the negative emotions and cross out your former relationship title. Why?

Because that version of your relationship is over. Release it. 

The goal isn’t to pretend the past never happened. The goal is to stop allowing the past to dictate the future.

On your final sticky note, write:

After

Add both your names again.

Then list three qualities you want your co-parenting relationship to have.

For example:

• Honest
• Cooperative
• Respectful

Below that, write:

Co-Parents of [Your Children’s Names]

This note represents your new relationship. Not a marriage. Not a romance. A co-parenting partnership. A parenting team.

The relationship you’re building now is the one your children experience every day.

Place these notes where you’re most likely to communicate with your co-parent.

• Near your computer
• Beside your phone
• In your car
• Inside your purse or wallet

You may even need multiple sets so that they are always close by.

Then, the next time you receive a frustrating text, email, or phone call, pause before responding.

Review your notes:

1. Look at your “Before” note and remember that’s not who you are anymore.
2. Look at your destination and remind yourself how you want to feel.
3. Look at your anchor and remember what’s possible.
4. Look at your “After” note and remember what you’re working toward.

The goal isn’t to become passive. The goal isn’t to tolerate inappropriate behavior. The goal IS to stop allowing someone else’s actions to dictate your emotional state.

When you reboot your mindset, you’re less likely to react emotionally and more likely to respond intentionally. And that creates a healthier environment not only for you, but for your children as well.

That’s the power of the Co-parenting Mindset Reboot.

Want to watch more helpful videos? Go to my YouTube Channel to watch my Co-parenting Help playlist. 

Prefer articles? Check out my blog.